When Your Child Says "I Don't Know," and What They Might Be Trying to Tell You

There are few phrases more frustrating to parents than "I don't know."

“How was school?”

"I don't know."

“What’s wrong?” 

"I don't know."

You ask if something happened with a friend, why they didn't do their homework, or what they need from you, and the answer is the same.

It’s so easy for frustration to build and to assume that your child is being dismissive or avoiding the conversation. But for a lot of neurodivergent kids and teens, "I don't know" may be a genuine answer.

Research suggests that many autistic and neurodivergent individuals experience difficulties identifying, understanding, articulating, and describing their emotions, a trait known as alexithymia. The emotions are present and very, very real, but people with different kinds of neurodivergence have difficulty identifying exactly what they’re feeling and putting those feelings into words.

Imagine being asked to describe a colour you can't quite see clearly. You know something is there, but you don't have the language for it yet. Emotions can feel similarly difficult to identify and communicate.

Emotional awareness can also take time. An analysis by Huggins et al. (2020) found that autistic individuals often experience differences in emotional self-awareness compared to their neurotypical peers. In practical terms, this means that your child could genuinely need longer to understand what they are feeling before they can talk about it.

A question that feels simple to a parent may require several steps of processing for a child: noticing what happened, identifying an emotional response, connecting that response to a specific event, and then finding the words to explain it. Research on cognitive processing differences in autism suggests that this process can take longer than many people realize.

Anxiety can make things even harder. Children who struggle with uncertainty often worry about giving the "wrong" answer or saying something inaccurate. Established findings show that intolerance of uncertainty is strongly linked to anxiety in autistic youth. So "I don't know" can also be more about lack of confidence than lack of knowledge. 

So what can parents do?

Instead of pushing for an immediate explanation, it can help to reduce the pressure. Instead of asking, "Why are you upset?" you might try, "You seem quieter than usual today." Instead of asking open-ended questions, you might offer choices, or specific questions about why they don’t know: "Are you feeling frustrated, worried, or tired?" Sometimes returning to the conversation later can also make a difference.

Most importantly, try to remember that communication is a skill and not a character trait. When a child says, "I don't know," they might not be refusing to engage; they may just have not figured it out yet. 

Approaching those moments with curiosity and patience rather than frustration can help create the safety and space they need to eventually find the words.

If communication challenges are creating stress at home, therapy can help children, teens, and families better understand what's happening beneath the surface and develop strategies that support connection.