Autism, Adolescence, and the Myth of “Growing Out of It”
- isolachambers
- 1 day ago
- 5 min read
There’s a phrase many parents of autistic children hear at some point in their journey:
“Don’t worry. They’ll grow out of it.”
It’s often said with good intentions: a way to offer comfort, reassurance, or hope for an easier future. But beneath that phrase lies the assumption that autism is something temporary. Something a child sheds as they mature. Something they can leave behind with enough time, enough intervention, enough effort.
Autistic teens don’t grow out of autism. They grow into who they are.
Adolescence doesn’t erase autism; instead, it brings new layers of self-understanding, new needs, new developmental milestones, and, sometimes, new challenges. It’s a time when identity takes shape, expectations change, and the world becomes more complex. For many autistic youth, this period is less about “losing symptoms” and more about discovering language, tools, and confidence to navigate life on their own terms.
For parents, understanding this shift can ease worry, reduce pressure, and create a more compassionate path forward.
Where the Myth Comes From
The idea that autistic children “outgrow” autism comes from older models of thinking, from a time when autism was primarily defined by early childhood traits and visible behaviours.
A few things contributed to this myth: 1. Narrow diagnostic criteria
Historically, many autistic adolescents (especially girls, queer youth, and racialized youth) were overlooked because they didn’t match outdated stereotypes.
2. Masking and camouflaging
As children get older, they learn (often unconsciously) how to “blend in.” They study social patterns, imitate neurotypical norms, and hide traits that might draw attention. To an outside observer, this can look like “growing out of it,” when in reality, the child is working incredibly hard to appear okay.
3. Changing environments
As teens gain more control over their surroundings, they may avoid overstimulating environments or choose friends who understand them better leading adults to believe the autism itself is fading.
What appears to be “improvement” is often adaptation, not disappearance.
And adaptation, while impressive, can come with a cost.
What Actually Happens in Adolescence
Autism is a lifelong neurotype. It’s a way of processing the world, not a childhood disorder. During adolescence, autistic youth experience many of the same developmental shifts as their peers, but with unique layers.
Here’s what really changes:
1. Identity Becomes Central
Teens begin to ask deeper questions:
Who am I?
Why do I experience the world this way?
Where do I belong?
Autistic teens often gain a stronger awareness of their differences, not in a negative way, but in a clearer, more conscious way. Many begin seeking language or community that helps them make sense of their experiences.
2. Executive Function Demands Skyrocket
Middle school and high school require:
planning
prioritizing
multitasking
emotional regulation
These demands grow faster than a teen’s executive function skills, creating moments that can feel like new or worsening “symptoms.” They’re not. They’re developmental pressures.
3. Social Worlds Become More Complex
Friendships shift from shared activities to shared identity. Social expectations intensify. Unspoken rules multiply.
Many autistic teens learn to mask more heavily to keep up, which can make them appear more socially fluent while feeling more exhausted than ever.
4. Sensory Needs Change
Puberty can heighten sensory sensitivities or create new ones. Hormonal shifts change how loud sounds, bright lights, or certain textures are tolerated.
None of this is regression. It’s development: real, complex, and completely valid.
Masking vs. Growth: Why the Distinction Matters
Masking is the process of hiding or suppressing autistic traits in order to fit in, avoid judgement, or avoid conflict. It can look like:
forcing eye contact
rehearsing social scripts
suppressing stims
mimicking peers
pushing through sensory overwhelm
smiling or nodding despite confusion
Outsiders may see this as maturity. But on the inside, many autistic teens describe:
exhaustion
anxiety
shutdowns
burnout
feeling “not themselves”
Masking is not growth. Masking is survival.
Real growth looks different, and can include:
learning coping strategies that feel natural
recognizing sensory needs and advocating for them
finding friends who accept differences
exploring special interests without shame
discovering language that fits their experience
developing self-trust and agency
letting go of internalized pressure to “seem typical”
Growth is rooted in authenticity, not performance.
What Autistic Teens Want Adults to Understand
Drawing on research and the words of autistic teens themselves, here are themes that come up again and again:
“I’m not trying to be difficult — I’m overwhelmed.”
“Changes and transitions take more energy than you think.”
“Please respond to what I mean, not just how I say it.”
“I want to be accepted for who I am, not who I look like I’m trying to be.”
“I don’t want to hide my real self to make things easier for everyone else.”
These aren’t signs of rebellion; they’re expressions of humanity and honesty.
Listening deeply is one of the most powerful forms of support.
How Parents Can Support Autistic Teens
Every autistic teen is different, but these approaches consistently reduce stress and strengthen connection.
1. Validate Before Fixing
Statements like: “I can see this is hard,” “I understand why that bothered you,” or “Let’s slow this down together” help teens feel safe enough to problem-solve.
2. Build Predictable Routines
Predictability lowers anxiety and reduces executive function load. Simple structures, things like consistent wake times, homework windows, or nighttime routines, create stability.
3. Honour Sensory Needs
Noise-cancelling headphones. Dim lighting. A quiet corner. Chewelry or stim tools. Body-doubling for schoolwork. These aren’t “crutches.” They’re accommodations that make life manageable.
4. Support Communication Differences
For some teens, texting, writing, or using visuals feels more natural than face-to-face talking. All of these are valid ways to communicate.
5. Reduce Masking Pressure
Praise honesty and comfort, not performance. Help your teen notice signs of burnout and give permission to rest.
6. Explore Identity Together
Watch autistic creators on YouTube or TikTok. Read books by autistic authors. Encourage connection with autistic peers or safe online spaces.
Supporting identity development is one of the most loving things a parent can do.
When Professional Support Can Help
Therapy can provide a calm, consistent space for teens to understand themselves without judgement or pressure.
A neurodiversity-affirming therapist can help teens:
navigate masking and burnout
understand their sensory profile
build emotional regulation tools
explore identity and self-acceptance
strengthen executive function skills
communicate needs with confidence
Support isn’t about “fixing” a teen. It’s about helping them grow into themselves safely and comfortably.
Final Thoughts
Autistic teens don’t “grow out of” autism. They grow into themselves: their identity, their needs, their strengths, and their voice.
With understanding, stable routines, sensory support, and affirming adults, adolescents don’t become “less autistic.” They become more grounded, self-aware, and confident people.
If your family is navigating this transition and looking for a safe, warm, and supportive space, New Leaf Therapeutic Services is here to help. Samantha specializes in neurodivergent youth, and offers a calm, steady presence to help navigate this period.
Further Resources
If you’d like to explore more about autism, identity development, and adolescence, these research-based resources offer helpful insights:
Seltzer, Shattuck, Abbeduto & Greenberg (2004) – A landmark study tracing how autistic traits shift across development. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1023/B:JADD.0000037415.44132.7f
Hull, Petrides & Mandy (2020) – A clear overview of masking and camouflaging, especially in girls and women.
https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s40489-020-00197-9
Crane, Adams, Harper, Welch & Pellicano (2019) – Autistic adults reflect on identity, support needs, and meaningful change.
Demetriou et al. (2018) – A helpful review of executive function differences in autism, including adolescence-related demands.
Kapp et al. (2013) – A foundational paper outlining the neurodiversity framework and defining autism as a developmental difference.
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